“You’re in menopause signs.” My doctor said calmly and with almost a little smile-smirk on her face. “Your tests have all come back — and you’re healthy. Sure a little low on iron as you typically are, but now that those pesky periods are gone — that should just correct itself.
Sure Menopause Signs
1. You have a few years of horrible and heavy periods. Periods that look like crime scenes and periods that can’t be stopped even when inserting three tampons at a time. Periods that make you throw away all white clothing and carry around a beach towel to sit on. Periods that last for weeks and start again just days later. Periods that control your life and girlfriends hound you to consider an ablation or hysterectomy. If you are experiencing this — get ready for menopause.2. You’re bitchy. Maybe you don’t like the word bitchy. But you’re bitchy. So bitchy you think about ways to hurt your spouse because they chew food. That’s right, they chew food AND don’t re-fluff the pillows when they get up from the couch. Oh, and that one time they took a nap on a Sunday afternoon — DEATH WISH.
You think about living on a desert island because everyone is annoying. No one gets you and you nit-pick everything. This might just be a sign of a hormonal imbalance. Or everyone else is just an asshole. But if you are unusually bitchy – time to get things checked out. Because people must chew. Fuckers.3. Are you gaining weight just a little too easily? Like you eat one Thin Mint cookie and gain 12 pounds and two dress sizes overnight. Menopause signs are looming. Or you look at a donut and your button pops on your pants. You used to run 3 miles a few mornings a week and stayed in shape, but now you need to run three times as far and four times per day every day to stay in the same shape.
4. Buying more razors, tweezers, and hair removal kits than usual? Buying hair removal Groupons? AND NOT FOR YOUR LEGS BUT FOR YOUR BEARD and you grew a mustache overnight. Unfortunately I have no way to know how bad my hair growth is because I need reading glasses to actually see the details of my face – and I don’t put them on very much – but when I do I’m all like “When did I turn into Tom Selleck and why aren’t my girlfriends telling me to wax the stache?”5. Are you a little sweaty and hot at night? Has your spouse moved to the guest room because they cannot sleep next to someone who feels like the planet Mercury? Those are called ‘night sweats’ and a sure menopause signs are coming.
Also ‘night sweats’ are less like ‘night sweats’ and more like what the ANNALS OF HELL must feel like — and you find yourself changing your pajamas and your sheets several times per night. When this happens during the day it’s called a “hot flash.” Basically you just think about how awesome it would be to live closer to the arctic circle and eat ice 24/7 ALONE.6. Do you seek out older ladies to talk to and think anyone under 30 with good hair is kind of annoying? Hate pinterest and chevron? Do you catch yourself looking at purple clothing and thinking a rousing game of bridge might be fun? Have you switched to decaf? You might just be seeking out more ‘like company’ as you now relate better to people of your mother’s generation. Because you are in MENOPAUSE.
7. Do you feel done with babies. Like people ask you if you are done having kids and you laugh and ask what kids are exactly? Do you start getting annoyed when people bring their small children out in public? Do you wonder how it could be that you still have small children? You are probably in MENOPAUSE.8. A little acne problem? Isn’t it fun that the break-outs of high school now have followed you to your 40s with your amazing new hormonal imbalance? Welcome to MENOPAUSE — it’s like being a teen again but without the tight body.
9. Having a little memory loss problem? Like where’s your phone — you mean the one you’re talking on? Why did I walk into the bathroom again? Why am I driving and where was I going? How did I end up at the grocery store? Has anyone seen my keys? My wallet? What’s your name? Have you started writing important things on your hand because you cannot remember anything? What was I just talking about ? Who are you? MENOPAUSE!10. Having a touch of anxiety that everyone is better than you and maybe you’ve forgotten something? Having panic attacks about everything — that you’re not enough, that nothing is enough, that THIS IS ALL THERE IS?! Do you cry a lot. MENOPAUSE!
11. Experiencing hair loss — and by ‘Menopause Signs hair loss’ I mean you have to call in a plumber twice a month to unclog the drains and you can no longer even style your hair because you barely have any hair and you then realize why ‘older ladies’ get that short ‘mom cut’ — it’s because they have no hair left! Do you find it even more important to apply sunscreen to your scalp because your scalp is now showing!.source